Saturday, April 23, 2011

Where I am, and where I'm going

No, not away, despite having repeated thoughts of getting rid of this wonderful place in which I have written for these 6 and something years, I am not leaving.

Newscoma calls what I am about to write an Annoying Autobiographical Pause; it won't be as well-written as what she does, but this will have to do.  Well, hold on, I have to go get Zippy the diabetic cat off the kitchen table (he has a thing for licking plastic bags, don't ask me why).  Ok, then, back to it!

It has been a rough year and a half since Lauren died, despite the fact that I have the most loving friends, family and readers that any human could ever hope to have.  Somehow, I managed to hit our old haunts in Dallas and Jackson, with the love and support of our friends there that we knew from Celtic music, and continue to do so.  My workgroup, who lost her as well, has been deeply supportive. Again, I offer my thanks to all of you who reached out to comfort me when she left; I can never state enough how much that has meant to me.

However, this last couple of months or so, I have finally began to think about waking up, moving toward the future and beginning to live more than merely existing. My Buddhist practice has really kept me going and moving forward; I believe it is why I am able to get through each day.  If you would like to learn more about it, go here.  If not, look at this cute penguin!

Grieving is a process, and acceptance is the last stage.  Part of me has always accepted her death, part of me never will, but I think I am over halfway there these days, and that is a good thing.  She would have told me to get off my ass and get moving a long time ago; her first concern was always for my happiness.  She was my partner and the love of my life, which has to go on even though she's not here.

But you probably knew that any way.

I write this on the morning before one of her parties, for which she was well known.  I continue to throw them, trying to remember what she taught me.  Our friends, whom she also trained in the art of throwing a party, help me put it together.  Her spirit is always here, even if her body isn't.  She was multitudes, and I miss her every day, which will never change.

However, this is about the future, and the realization that I am at a different place in my life and things are changing.  I intend to be here a little more often, and write my own pieces rather than just throw press releases up here.  (Attention, City Council,  I have a bone to pick with all of you, and it's NOT about taxes, but more on that later).  I am going on, because I need to, because I believe I have a responsibility to do so, and because I have come to the crazy idea that you want to know what I have to say about things.

Thanks to all of you, this endeavour called a blog will continue, as will the changes in my life.

I'll keep you posted.


Vvixen said...

Steve, I'm so glad to hear that you are waking up from your long period of grief. We have all been blessed with another spring in Memphis and another Easter, which represents renewal and rebirth in the Christian faith that most of us were raised in (and most of us have gladly strayed from!)

Moving on with your life, in whatever form that takes for you, is in no way disloyal to Lauren; in fact I'm sure it's what she wants for you. I hope you'll use your renewed sense of energy and purpose to keep speaking truth to power and bringing joy to our lives.

Today will be a happy one to celebrate with your friends. I'm so glad to be counted among them!

Steve Steffens said...

That was beautiful, thank you; you honor me with your friendship, and I appreciate it.

read1write said...


You leave me speechless- that's difficult to do. Beautiful words...